This is probably the most personal thing I will ever write, and I already feel the tears.  With all the news about the Stanford rape case, I feel compelled to respond.  This is why I started my blog.

It could have been me. In fact, it was me.  I was 15. Instead of being drunk and passed out behind a garbage can, I was black out drunk in a swimming pool.  He was 29.  He had 2 kids: a daughter, and a son.  He was in the army.  I met him at the mall, he bought the alcohol and drugged my drink on top of it.  The Stanford victim was passed out and doesn't remember the incident, I, however, came into consciousness during.  I'm not sure what would have been worse... sometimes I wish I didn't remember but I couldn't imagine finding out after the fact.

My heart breaks for the victim.  I feel this anger in my heart, and I feel a reliving of pain that I experienced 14 years ago.  To go through something traumatic, and then not have justice served and in your favor is something I can relate too.  Like her, we pressed charges and got authorities involved.  Because of the age difference he was sure to get in trouble, right?! Wrong.  I never even got to testify.  Being a minor, the case was in the hands of my legal parental guardian.  My other parent tried handling it as much as they could but since they didn't have custody of me, they couldn't proceed.  When you tell the story, you relive the nightmare over and over again.  I don't know how many people I told between investigators, cops, nurses, doctors, social workers, counselors, etc.  And even to this day, still tell people. Though now I'm finding strength in my story but it is still hard.

Brock Turner, you have 6 months - at most.  You were worried about your future and your dad had the nerve to say you won't be able to enjoy steak again. That makes me sick! And I don't feel sorry for you, just like you didn't feel sorry for what you did.  You never know, that girl may have had steak for dinner that night and will now live with a PTSD trigger anytime she sees, smells or even hears the word steak.  Let me tell you about a ruined future, Mr. Turner.  A ruined future is the poor decisions that the girl will make because her self worth has been taken from her and as she struggles to rebuild it, the psychological trauma you put her through will fuck with her as she tries to put herself back together.  Let me tell you more about a ruined future, being fearful everytime she turns the corner, in fact she may never take trash out ever again for the rest of her life.  In 6 months, you will be free to live what's left of your "normal" life but in 6 months for her, she will still be feeling intense anxiety, fear, and panic everytime she hears the name "Brock" or anytime she sees someone that remotely resembles you.  She may even google search your name and facebook stalk to feel one step ahead so you can't get to her again.  And she will ALWAYS live with the fear that you will come back and do it again as a "punishment" for your short time lived in jail. Her next pap smear, she will have to explain what she went through and get tested for STDs and pray to God you did not give her anything.  And knowing somethings take years to show will make her stress about this for years to come.  There may come a day when she decides she wants to become a mother, but will endure infertility issues because the thought of having sex certain times will trigger something in her mind, and when that one day comes when she becomes pregnant, she may not be able to vaginally deliver a child because of the trauma you caused in her vaginal region. Does that make you uncomfortable?! Good. It should.

I know all this, because I lived through it and still do.  I can't stand the dark and have a hard time in swimming pools, especially if there are a lot of people.  And my husband has almost an identical tattoo to the guy who raped me, imagine the pain of seeing that everyday and having to calm yourself down and remind yourself that it's your husband and not him.  * For the record, my husband got the tattoo after we were married - actually when we were separated - I never would have spoke to him had he had it prior.* Sometimes it's hard just to be intimate with my husband because of the constant reminder.

Brock James, you are not alone.  Jason Simpson joins you on the privileged pervert list that didn't get many consequences.  From what I was told, he was discharged from the army and had a short sentence as well. And guess what, after me, he went on to rape a 6 year old girl. SIX YEARS OLD?! I have a 7 year old child and couldn't imagine.  At 15, I thought my innocence was gone and lost.... but 6, that's just not even right or okay.  Maybe somewhere in the midst of everything I failed to mention, I was a virgin at the time of my rape, so how do you know your victim wasn't either and you took something so special from her?! How's that for a ruined future! I was waiting until I was married and someone took that from me. Your victim could have been the same.

You have no idea what a ruined future is.  I can't even put into words what my "future" has been since that day.  My future now holds my children's future and when my son is of appropriate age, I plan to tell him my story to teach him a lesson - no means no, or no consent still means no.  And I have a daughter, and the day I found out I was having a daughter, I lived in fear that she go through the same traumatic experience.  I can only teach her to say no and no means no, but how I can protect her from people like you that don't expect "no" for an answer.

One of the realest quotes I had seen online was "Scooby Doo taught us that the real monsters are humans..." and that is so true. Brock Turner, Jason Simpson, and everyone else who has raped... you all are monsters and have no idea about a ruined future.

One of the main reasons, I worked hard to have my blog published this week was because of what was going in the media and I wanted to give my response.  My uninterrupted input, and why I feel that way.  Of course, I'm talking about the gorilla incident but I also wanted to use it to share a story of a lesson I learned.  Though my story didn't result with my child falling into a gorilla exhibit, I did have a few scary moments of a parent's worst nightmare.  My experience is what leads my opinion and thoughts on this whole ordeal that has America divided.

We've all heard the basics: a child fell into the gorilla exhibit, the gorilla was shot and killed, the child made it out with a concussion and minor scrapes.  We praise the Lord for watching over this little boy.  I've seen the debating headlines back and forth: was the gorilla protecting him or trying to intimidate him. I don't know, I'm not a gorilla or a gorilla expert - and no one except that gorilla will ever know what his thoughts and intentions were so if we could stop that debate, that would be great.

The debate that is concerning to me is over the mother of this child: does she deserve empathy or does she deserve to be investigated? Though I am on the side that she deserves to be investigated, please hear my thoughts before you attack me and bring the debate.  I have an experience that I have gone through with my child that bring me to that thought.  Though I'm not sure if I would rule it out as an accident, as reports say the little boy told his mom that he wanted to go in, I do believe that no mother would ever let their child wander into a gorilla exhibit.  I believe that no mother would ever intentionally put their child in harm's way - well there are the few exceptions, but I don't believe this mother is one of those exceptions.  

So here is my story.  And one that I'm not proud to share and am embarrassed but I think it is important for the point I'm trying to drive home.  It was Sunday, April 27, 2014.  After an early morning airplane ride, hotel check in, Brystin and I were finally off to our first day at Disney World! We were spending the day at Hollywood Studios.  He braved the Hollywood Terror Tower with me, we got lunch at the ABC Commissioner, rode some more rides, caught some shows, met some characters and when it came time for dinner - we couldn't get in anywhere.  I had no idea about making dinner reservations 6 months before.  The hostess said she could squeeze us in later that night but if we were doing other parks, she recommended making dinner reservations.  I was appreciative of her advice and help, and Brystin was eager to play.  So we went to the "Honey I Shrunk The Kids" movie set turned playground.  I figured Brystin could play while I *gasp* got on my phone to make meal reservations for the rest of our time at Disney.  When we walked into the play area, I found a spot and told Brystin to stay in a certain little area so I could see him.  The playground didn't seem that big anyways.  As he ran, and played and went down the slide, I took some pictures of him smiling and having fun. After a few minutes of running and playing with him, I went and took a seat to get on my phone and figure out dinner reservations for the next couple days.  I was able to find some character meals for the next day, and themed dinners at Downtown Disney.  They all required a credit card and personal information - which I entered it all. When I was done on my phone, I glanced up, and Brystin was gone.  He was 5 at the time, and understood "stay in this area." I stood up and ran around the movie set where I told him to stay - no sign of him anywhere. I circled the slides and other props frantically yelling for him - nothing.  I realized I couldn't ask anyone if they had seen him because no one knew who we were.  A playground that once seemed so small was now the biggest obstacle course I had ever seen.

This was the last picture I would have had of my son. Smiling, going down the slide, just being carefree.  What felt like an eternity of circling this playground was probably realistically only a few minutes.  I started thinking the worst as I ran up and down yelling for him.  Someone took my little boy.  My 5 year old is lost in Disney World.  I felt the tears forming, and stopped. I had to stay calm and regroup, because being worked up was only going to cause me to not think clearly.  I decided to walk the perimeter to see where the exits were and ask a cast member if they had seen my son.  That's when I got squirted with water from a really tall flower slide.  I heard a lot of kids laughing and playing, so I decided to walk towards those kids and then I walked past a tree and there was Brystin hiding inside the tree.  He had made friends with some other little kids and they were playing Hide and Go Seek.

I had tears as I grabbed my little boy.  The feeling of relief was so overwhelming that I never wanted to let him go.  He was okay.  He was not harmed.  He was not injured, scared, crying - nothing.  He was perfectly fine.  I had never been so grateful in my life.  But as soon as the joy wore off, he was reprimanded for not staying where I told him stay, and not telling me he was going to play Hide and Go Seek.  We left the play area and we sat at on a park bench for him to take a time out.  He was not happy being in trouble at Disney World.

I understand my story is different than the zoo incident but here is what I correlate.  My moment of not paying attention and being focused on my phone could have caused something bad to happen.  I was distracted and not watching my son.  And had something happened to him, it would have been my fault.  My moment of "neglect" could have caused him to be harmed, kidnapped, lost in a huge amusement park.  Had he of been kidnapped, shame on that person for taking an innocent child - but shame on me for not paying as much attention as I should have been.  Had he gotten hurt, it wouldn't have been Disney's fault, it would have been mine for not watching and stopping him before it happened. And I get on a playground accidents can happen in an instant, but sometimes we can stop it just by saying "get down" or "get back here."  If he would have wondered off and gotten lost, it wouldn't be Disney's fault for not securing their playground areas better, it would have been my fault for not paying attention.  If I wouldn't have been so focused on making dinner reservations and figuring out food, I would have been playing with my son and saw where he went and the panic never would have happened.

Basically, the point I'm trying to make it - yes, it could have been an accident but the mother needs to take responsibility.  If you turned your head for a second, take accountability for it.  More mothers would empathize if she would say "I'm sorry, I did turn my back and focus on my phone for longer than I should have been." Instead of blaming it on all the other kids she was watching and apparently the zoo needing a better barrier.  I don't think the mother deserves the death threats or her head to be on a stake - c'mon guys, that is getting really harsh and unnecessary.  But when other mother's are calling her out for being negligent, it's not because we are being hateful, it's because our guilt makes us recognize it when we see it.  Every mother has had at least one heart stopping instance because they've put their focus somewhere else.  I really feel this mom needs to issue an apology to the zoo instead of calling out society on her social media.  If it was my child, I would like to say that would have never been my child but I can't - I've never been in that situation, but if it was my child, I would have been down right embarrassed after the joy of him being okay would have worn off. In addition to praising the Lord, and thanking the zoo, I would have given them the most heartfelt apology.  That's the problem we are seeing with this mother, she doesn't want to take ownership and admit she failed, if only for a second.  And I doubt this or my story will ever get back to her, but it's important to know that every mother has failed a time or 2. It's okay to admit you were wrong, or did something wrong.  People respect you more, and will have your back more if you own up to your mistakes.

I don't know this mother, I wouldn't even know her if I passed her in the grocery store.  She could be an awesome, super involved and loving mother but she could also be an overwhelmed mother that battles with PPD. Maybe she beats her kids and sends them to bed starving or maybe she was just your average mom who's kids were driving her crazy so she took them to the zoo to get them out of the house.  Maybe she was having a bad day, maybe she was having the best day.  I don't know. And you don't either.  I don't know if she deserves for her kids to be taken away or not, I can't judge her and I don't know her.  I just know that she is not taking the responsibility for her actions but yet wants empathy from everyone.  If my child would have been kidnapped that day at Disney, I don't know how I would have handled empathy because it would have been my fault.  Ultimately, her child falling into the gorilla exhibit - accident or not - is her fault.  We can have empathy for her and still recognize if she was paying better attention it never would have happened. I feel for this mom in a sense that I know what it feels like to have that heart stopping scary moment when it comes to your child.  I don't know the emotions or mindset I would have had if it was my child in the gorilla exhibit.  I would like to think I would jump in after him, but if I had our baby with us, I don't know - I would have had the moment of confusion on what do I do.  We can all only hypothetically say what we would and would not have done.

That little boy is going to grow up with a survivor story, and it's going to be told at family dinners, graduation and probably even on his wedding.  The least the mom can do is step up and take responsibility for a momentary lapse of judgement that lead to the incident.  That's the problem with a lot of our society - no one wants to take accountability anymore and the blame always needs to be placed elsewhere.  The mother would have more respect if she would just admit her wrongdoing and apologize.  She could use her story to teach parents how truly important it is to always keep an eye on your child.  Her story could go a lot further with ownership and accountability, recognizing she has a lesson that every parent in America can learn from.  For all the parents that say, it wouldn't have been my child - teach them from your story! Tell them that even though you keep a "tight watch" on your kids, you messed up for a split second and disaster happened.  When I see her on Good Morning, America, I want to see her teaching us what she learned from that day.  Kids will learn to take responsibility by watching you take it.  

​And I really want to know if she was a mom that once said... "my child would never do that"

Those words. "You're the most normal person I know," were words said to be by a college friend after we had an in class activity that made me sweat. It wasn't a speech or a test. The teacher wanted us to go around the room and talk about our immediate family (mother, father, siblings, etc.) As much as I love my family, this is one thing I don't like to talk about.  The classmates before me all had your normal nuclear family "my parents are still married and we have a dog," "my parents are still married and I have an older brother." I felt myself turning red and sweating so bad.  I don't think I had ever wanted to duck out and skip class. Finally it was my turn.  

I'm an only child between my two parents.  However, I'm the second of four kids and none of us have the same two parents.  I'm my dad's youngest and my mom's oldest.  *confused looks from everyone* My dad had dated a girl in high school and in their early adult years, they had my older sister.  My dad had met my mom - they got married, had me, got divorced. My mom remarried, had my sister, they divorced.  My mom fell in love again years later, got engaged, they had my brother, broke up.  My dad eventually remarried too but got divorced again.  I lived with my mom until I was 12, and then when I was 12 my dad got custody of me.  So here I am, a mother, not married to my son's father and my husband and I have a daughter. Oh yeah, and no pets. *silence*

The teacher praised me for sharing, and told me not to apologize because it's important to realize everyone has a different family dynamic and story.  That's when my college friend seated next to me leaned over and whispered.... "I'm so shocked to hear that's your family.... you're, like, the most normal person I know.  You have yourself very put together."

So why am I telling you this story? I think it's important to start off my blog with understanding why I wanted to start a blog.  In that moment in class, I felt alone. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. For once, I wish I could have the picture perfect family.  No one else in the class had anything near in comparison. But I know that I am not the only one in the world with a crazy family, and my family has given me a lot of experiences and learning moments that I want to use to help.  

I've been through a lot of things in life, and though not everything is going to be detailed in this first blog, you'll hear and learn my story as it goes along, and hopefully I can help you or someone you know.  Maybe give you a different perspective on things.  I've been to rehab, I'm a survivor of abuse(sexual, domestic, emotional); I've conquered self-harm, cancer and anorexia, and I can't wait to help the next person who is battling these demons.  Many of my years were spent being ruined by rumors, and judged.  So now this is my turn to tell my story.

My husband hates that I share so much, but I feel it's my calling.  I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor.  I'm human, I make mistakes.  One night sitting in church, the pastor had a sermon on these life hardships and how we need to not be afraid or embarrassed, but take them and use them as learning experiences to help the next person.  We may feel alone, but we are never alone. And we're all just doing our best to get through this crazy thing called life, but wouldn't it be better if we had someone to help us through the hard times?! Someone that has been there and understands.  When he spoke that night, I cried and realized I was ready to give my life to Christ. 

I spoke at few church activities, ministries, my story got sent to "To Write Love On Her Arms," but it wasn't until lately, sitting in church again when the pastor called out to use our experiences to be mentors, and always continued to be mentored too.  While I pursue my degree to become a Mentor, I'm hoping my blog will give me a platform to share my story, help others and become a mentor.

I'm excited to share my journey with you! As well as other thoughts, opinions, insight or just random things I feel like talking about. But that's all for now as I have a little one who wants more Kool-Aid and a big kid who "needs" a popsicle.
Until next time...

xoxo B