God gave them you

Adoption. It is a beautiful thing. It really is. A selfless choice made by a biological mother to another woman yearning to be a mom.  Normally we hear the adoptive side. Almost everyone knows at least one person's adoption story or someone who was adopted.  But you never hear the biological story.  Something today just tugged on my heart and I wanted to write about my sweet nephew.

I'm the biological aunt so I only have that perspective.  I was there with my sister, Briana, through her pregnancy, I was in the OR when he was born. I got to hold him first and was the one to hand him to his adoptive mom, Natalie. Briana's story is different than mine. Natalie's story is different than mine but we are all on this incredible journey together - in different ways - but together.

Adoption really has a negative stigma towards the biological parent. They are viewed as selfish people who "give" their child up. But I can 100% tell you, that was NOT the case with Calvin.  Briana was not in a good place at all when she became pregnant, it was a scary time for her. Adoption wasn't her first option, but neither was parenting. In God's fate, her plan of choice didn't work out or become something that was able to happen. So as a family, we supported her decision of adoption. I wasn't her voice of reason in choosing a family, I wasn't there for conversations with the social worker. I was there for support, I was there to help get to doctor's appointments. I was there for kicks and movement. I was there to rub her belly and let him know how much he was loved. And at the time, we had Brittani, Briana, and Brystin ... the three Bs, so it was only appropriate this baby boy had a B nickname and for some reason, I just gravitated towards calling him my little biscuit.

Briana was really excited about an adoptive family she had found.  They were a biracial couple that she thought was the best situation because the baby is biracial. Hearing her talk to this family, I saw a positive relief in my sister that she just knew this was the best place for her baby.  They discussed names, birth plans, nurseries, all the fun stuff.  This couple didn't have any children of their own but had always longed for a child. It was a perfect fit. I will never forget the day, 5 weeks before her due date, my sister got the call that the adoptive family had missed a signature on a paper and it wasn't turned in on time for the family to proceed further in the adoption process. Briana was devastated and went back to a "what now." Here we were, 5 weeks from a baby being born, the plan was for him to be adopted so there was nothing ready to bring a baby home. We prayed and gathered around her, remaining positive that a miracle would happen.

And that's when it did. Two weeks later, Briana showed up to my work with great news.  They had been matched with a family in Baltimore. The couple was Natalie and Frank. They didn't have kids, but had tried for over 10 years to no avail. Briana said Natalie's story of infertility was similar to the struggle my husband and I had gone through previously.  Briana's face lit up as she spoke of Natalie and telling me that they were supposed to adopt a baby prior, had the nursery ready only for the mom to back out 2 days after the baby was born. And in their home, that nursery door had remained shut until now. Natalie and Frank. I remember the first time talking to them on the phone, they were so hopeful and optimistic but stayed guarded because of what happened before. I loved talking to them and getting to know them.  They came into town a few days before the c-section. We went out to dinner at the Golden Corral (because super preggo wanted the buffet.) I'm so grateful that I was included on this time and had a chance to get to know them. 

​They had chose the name Calvin because of Cal Ripken Jr and how baseball was a huge part of Baltimore.  So he became my little Calbiscuit. 

Calvin Jude was born the next morning on May 28, 2014. He was perfect. As the nurse was cleaning him up, I could hear him crying and fussing, so i walked over to him and said "what's the matter my little Calbiscuit?" he turned his head towards me and stopped fussing. My heart just sank. I was so in love with this little person.  In that moment, the future and what was going to happen over the next few days - it was irrelevant. Because right here, right now, in this moment. It was my little Calbiscuit and I.  This was my little dude, and no matter the distance, he will always be my little dude.

They had me wheel him out of the OR to start skin to skin with his adoptive mommy. I will never forget coming through the OR doors to see Natalie and Frank standing there. 
"Hi Momma!" Were the first words I said, and Natalie's reaction was something I will never ever ever forget. It still makes me cry. Her joy, the tears. This moment she had longed for for so long. I'm so honored that I could be apart of that. For me in that moment, I couldn't think of anything else except God gave them Calvin. Briana assisted in the miracle. I just stood on the sidelines for support. But ultimately this child was chosen by God for Natalie and Frank, and her first reaction to seeing this child. No words can explain. 

I went home to rest and let Briana rest, and Natalie and Frank bond with their sweet new baby boy. And just letting the four of them have time together.  Later that night when I brought Brystin up to meet his new cousin, I could hear Calvin fussing from the hallway. As soon as I walked in the room, he got quiet and turned towards me. As if he knew me. I didn't see it but Natalie told me it was amazing to see how he reacted towards my voice, and that he knew me. The few short days were a whirlwind, I tried to spend as much time with Calvin, Natalie and Frank as I could. Even though it is an open adoption, you never really know how visits are going to play out or the frequency. And being the aunt, I'm not expecting to be the priority of people who get to see him. I soaked it in, minute by minute, every snuggle I could get with him. I felt a love for this little boy, that I hadn't felt. A lot of people questioned why I spent so much time with him, knowing he was going to be leaving, given the circumstance. I don't regret any second I spent with him. We bonded and looking back, I'm so glad I got to spend as much time him and his family as possible.

Eventually, papers were signed. Briana was released from the hospital, Calvin went back to Maryland with Natalie and Frank. I'm forever grateful for the openness of Natalie's heart, that she has allowed an unlimited amount of communication between us. She would send texts and pictures, communicate about things going on in his life and his milestones.  We've truly blessed to be apart of Calvin's life.

December 2016, I was able to visit with Calvin for the first time since he had been born.  Brystin was over the moon ecstatic to see him.  By then, we had Arzola(who ironically was born one year and one day after Calvin), and I was 9 months pregnant with Milena. Seeing the kids play together and run around Chuck E Cheese, was something I never thought would ever happen. But  we all just clicked like there was never any time or distance. 

Natalie and Frank made the courageous choice to raise Calvin to understand he is adopted, and that adoption is the amazing tie that makes us family instead of an unsettling secret that will come out later. My favorite thing is to see this saying that Natalie and Calvin do.... "I am adopted. I am a friend. I am kind. I am loved" it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. They are raising him to know he was loved all around, and that he came from Briana's belly(and he asks "so i was covered in food?") and that Briana is my sister and that is why I am aunt Brittani. And that Brystin, Arzola and Milena are cousins. Obviously, at 3, almost 4, he doesn't understand fully but I love that as he grows up, he will have ties with his biological family and know that he is so so so so so so loved.

Ultimately, it's not the DNA. It's the love that makes us family. Our unique bond is our normal, I'm excited to navigate this normal and go on this adventure. I feel beyond blessed that Natalie and Frank allow my kids and I to be a part of Calvin's life. What people from the outside don't understand about adoption is that, it's not just giving up a child. It's not a selfish choice. Choosing to place isn't for the weak.  It's realizing that it takes more than love to raise a child, and selflessly giving a loving family a gift. Calvin is a gift. Briana made a selfless choice out of love. Natalie made the selfless choice to love a child not formed in her womb.  I don't think adoption is a choice, I think it's God's plan. And God gave them Calvin. Briana misses Calvin a lot and would have kept him if she was in the right place in life, but she did the right thing. Calvin is in the best home, with the best family possible.  Briana gave him the greatest gift because she loved him. 

Briana and Natalie would have a different side and a different story, but as a biological aunt, that's mine. I love that little boy in a way that can't be measured. I look at Natalie and Frank as my own family that has been around my whole life. (my kids even refer to them as Aunt Natalie and Uncle Frank.) I love through texting and social media, we can be included in his life and milestones. I can't express enough how much I appreciate the openness Natalie and Frank have for Calvin to know his biological roots. Briana made the most selfless choice because she loves him, and I think that is something we ALL need to understand about biological moms.  These choices aren't made because they don't want them or love them... it's because we want them to have more than we can offer, we know they deserve more and because we love them more than they will ever be able to imagine. 

Today is National Woman's Day... and I want to shout out to all the courageous women that are on this crazy life adventure through the gift of adoption - whether on the biological side or adoptive side. May you all know that you are stronger than you can imagine and carry more love than you can measure. <3

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