All that I am, I owe to my ....

One of the most famous quotes ever spoken.  All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my mother....

Usually it's used to give praise or show appreciation.  To honor a woman who becomes your best friend, or one who passed too soon. But what about us that fall somewhere in the middle.  That gray area of my mother hasn't passed but my mother isn't here.  With Mother's Day approaching, it has me feeling some kind of way.

Mother's Day has always had an awkward feeling for me.  It's a day that you either praise and celebrate your mom or a day you mourn the mom you wish was still around.  For me, it's always been a gray area.  I was 12 when my mom decided she wanted a life that didn't make me a priority.  Whether it was selfishness, mental illness, co-dependency issues, addiction, disease... it was more important than me.  It was bigger than me.  It was wanted more than me.  You see, I had always been the reason for my mom's depression.  She was diagnosed with PPD after having me and apparently it has lasted her whole life.  {{yes, at 31 years old, I'm still the culprit.}}  I don't remember much of my childhood... my parents divorced when I was young.  I remember being introduced to the topics of depression and suicide at a very young age, and being made to feel guilty because I didn't understand... and by young age, I was 10.  As a mother now, I can't even imagine of putting the burden of my inner struggle on my oldest child, who is 9 - almost 10.  Looking back, that was the pivotal point that I started to feel like the parent to my parent.

But after I was 12, it was a hit and miss relationship. She would come and go.  We had good times, good laughs, some good memories but it was never consistent.  I really never truly knew what I was going to get day by day.  All I really wanted was that relationship I saw all my friends have with their moms.  They laughed together, got nails done together, went prom dress shopping together... I never had that. Just once I wish my mom would have taken me dress shopping.  
As a teenager and young adult, I want to believe my mom did the best she could.  She would help me through my situations until I became too draining for her.  I never felt loved.  I never felt like I was enough. I never felt like she was proud of me.  My problems were never in comparison to hers.  Her life was always worse, her problem was always worse.

For years, I struggled and struggled up and down the card aisle when Mother's Day came around.... cards read... to the mom who was always there, to the mom who always showed me the way, I'm so blessed to have a mom like you.... I could never ever seem to find the right one with appropriate words to how I was feeling.  Usually I would just end up settling on a basic card, and then feel guilt stricken-ed that I didn't pick out something nicer.  I always felt like she was disappointed too when she would open a card and it wasn't a full on praise. Aside from mother's day, I always felt like a disappointment to her and that I could never do enough to make her happy.  make her love me.  make her proud.  As much as my heart yearned for that, for some reason, it was just never enough.

The current harsh reality of the situation is she decided to cut the ties, telling me I was dead to her and to delete myself from her life.  And then made comments about my children and how they are being raised, ultimately, deciding to disown those three beautiful children too.  But I had to realize.. the severed relationship wasn't my fault. I was the child, she was the mother.  The sole responsibility of showing love couldn't just come from me.  I couldn't always be the one to try and make an effort.  As parents, we are too love our children no matter what... and I couldn't make her love me. 

So to the girls like me... it's not your fault.  We can't chose our parents or make them love us.   We can't carry their burdens or make them want to have an involvement in our lives.

But I do have an important message to the girls like me.  Us, daughters, that fall into the gray area of my mom is alive but I don't have a mother.  We need to show gratitude even when it's hard.  I struggled with this.  In fact, when Pastor Tony talked about this in church, I cried and I asked my husband what could I possibly show her gratitude for.  What could I ever possibly owe to this woman. 
Then it dawned on me.... "All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my mother......"
I am the mom I am because of the mom I lacked.  I know what it feels like to carry the burden of your parents' struggles on your shoulders, and I don't want that for my kids.  I am the room mom, the stay at home mom, the makes-every-single-attempt-to-be-at-her-kids'-events mom, the always at the school volunteering mom.  The I stay up all night making valentine's day boxes mom. Match with my daughter, and polish her nails mom. Also, take the extra time at night to say prayers mom. I cuddle my kids a little more and yell a little less.  I hide my tears so I can wipe theirs. I try my best to make sure that my bad day isn't their bad day.  I push my fears and anxiety away so I can be fearless and strong for them. I do without so they can have. And as I struggle with PPD and PPA... I never look at them as the reason or it being their fault.  I have a survivor mentality and chose to be a warrior.  I try new recipes, we eat dinner together every night and go big for birthday parties.  I give extra effort to every relationship and find myself to be a giver.  I became what I wish I had growing up.
And for that, I have a lot of gratitude in my heart that I owe..... and I owe it to my mother.  

So, with mother's day approaching...
If you have lost your mom here on earth, I'm very sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as I can't imagine how this day feels for you. 

If you have an amazing relationship with your mom and love this day and love celebrating her! That is amazing! I am so happy for you! And I can only hope that one day my children will feel that way about me.

But to the other daughters, in the gray area like me, that don't have a mom to celebrate or spend the day with.... just know you are not alone. There is a village of us all feeling the same confused emptiness on this day as we try to find peace and act like it doesn't hurt just a little bit.  But on this day, try to look at YOUR positives and find the gratitude you can give.  It makes it hurt a little less, I promise.

And, lastly, to her....
    with pain and gratitude in my heart, happy mothers day <3

xoxo B